Letters to Atticus Passage 4

sane sum perturbatus cum ipsius Satyri familiaritate tum Domiti, in quo uno maxime ambitio nostra nititur. demonstravi haec Caecilio simul et illud ostendi, si ipse unus cum illo uno contenderet, me ei satis facturum fuisse; nunc in causa universorum creditorum, hominum praesertim amplissimorum, qui sine eo quem Caecilius suo nomine perhiberet facile causam communem sustinerent, aequum esse eum et officio meo consulere et tempori. durius accipere hoc mihi visus est quam vellem et quam homines belli solent, et postea prorsus ab instituta nostra paucorum dierum consuetudine longe refugit. abs te peto ut mihi hoc ignoscas et me existimes humanitate esse prohibitum ne contra amici summam existimationem miserrimo eius tempore venirem, cum is omnia sua studia et officia in me contulisset. quod si voles in me esse durior, ambitionem putabis mihi obstitisse. ego autem arbitror, etiam si id sit, mihi ignoscendum esse, ἐπεὶ οὐχ ἱερήϊον οὐδὲ βοεΐην. vides enim in quo cursu simus et quam omnis gratias non modo retinendas verum etiam acquirendas putemus. spero tibi me causam probasse, cupio quidem certe.

I was seriously troubled both by my intimacy with Satyrus himself and by that of Domitius, on whom more than anyone my candidacy rests. I explained this to Caecilius, and also pointed out that, if he alone were contending with Satyrus alone, I would have satisfied him. But now, in a case belonging to all the creditors, especially men of the highest rank, who could easily maintain their common cause without the person whom Caecilius might produce in his own name, it was fair that he should consider both my obligations and the circumstances. He seemed to take this more harshly than I wished and than gentlemen usually do, and afterward he withdrew altogether from the intimacy with me that had begun only a few days before. I ask you to forgive me for this and to believe that ordinary human feeling kept me from attacking the entire reputation of a friend at the most wretched moment of his life, when he had devoted all his zeal and services to me. But if you choose to judge me more severely, you will think that electoral ambition stood in my way. I, however, believe that even if this is so, I should be forgiven, since it was not a question of a temple victim or an ox-hide shield. You see what race I am running, and how I think every source of goodwill must not merely be retained but also acquired. I hope I have justified myself to you. I certainly desire to have done so.

J’ai été fort embarrassé, tant par mon intimité avec Satyrus que par celle de Domitius, sur qui repose plus que sur tout autre ma candidature. J’ai exposé ces faits à Caecilius et lui ai également expliqué que, s’il avait plaidé seul contre Satyrus seul, je lui aurais donné satisfaction; mais que, dans une cause réunissant tous les créanciers, surtout des hommes du plus haut rang, capables de soutenir aisément leur cause commune sans celui que Caecilius produirait en son propre nom, il était juste qu’il eût égard à la fois à mes obligations et aux circonstances. Il m’a semblé prendre cela plus durement que je ne l’aurais voulu et que ne le font d’ordinaire les gens bien élevés; ensuite, il s’est entièrement écarté de nos relations habituelles, établies depuis quelques jours. Je te demande de me pardonner et de penser que l’humanité m’a interdit d’attaquer la réputation tout entière d’un ami au moment le plus malheureux de sa vie, alors qu’il avait consacré à mon service tout son zèle et tous ses devoirs. Si tu veux me juger plus sévèrement, tu penseras que mon ambition m’a retenu. Pour ma part, j’estime que, même si tel est le cas, je mérite le pardon, ἐπεὶ οὐχ ἱερήϊον οὐδὲ βοείην. Tu vois en effet dans quelle course nous sommes engagés et combien je crois nécessaire non seulement de conserver toutes les reconnaissances, mais encore d’en acquérir. J’espère t’avoir convaincu de la valeur de ma justification; du moins le désire-je vivement.